Thursday, January 05, 2006

Oil company as guru

Chogyam Trungpa says we can use our life experience as guru. I had to rush off to a monastery for four days. Was anxious about driving and getting there on time and put off calling the oil company about their letter of unpaid bills. Got home New Year's Day to no oil. Called their emergency service which deposited 10 gallons of oil in my oil tank for a little over three hundred dollars. (Weeks later this charge is removed.) Two days later when I could reach someone in the office, there I was, Victim Little. I didn't get a letter you would suspend automatic delivery, I say. I study the bills, looks like I owe about 100.00. But they want the budget money paid, 170.00. It's not what I actually owe, I say. No delivery till this 270.00 is paid. Tears come to my eyes. I write a two page letter to the company that never gets mailed.

The next day I sit for an hour, then do walking meditation an hour. I sense the icebergs within me resisting what is. I look at what is. I am someone wanting approval, feeling aversion to this uncomfortable situation. I did see the oil level in the tank was rock bottom before I left for four days. A few hunks of ice fall off the bergs in my head. There is a little melting. I go back in the house. I call other oil companies. I look at the checkbook. With my son's contribution, I can do the payment they want. Their request now seems reasonable. The oil company is my guru disappointing me so I can find space to be with what is, rather than my stoney hard image of Good Self Chooses How She Will Pay. Resting in the river.


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