Saturday, December 10, 2005

The interview

Left house for work. Halfway there, turn back, remember the photo. Drive back to house. Pick up photo. Halfway to work again, remember miso soup. Turn back again. Finish making the soup. I'll look back later and see I didn't have time to use the photo or eat the soup. Great difficulty coming up today. Job interview. Driving to interview, feeling foggy, doubtful. I am not prepared for the questions. The three interviewers sit across from me around a table. My answers to their list of written questions feel awkward, wrong answers . We get to the last question. The interview is done. I take a tour of the place before I go, get in my vehicle and drive home. On the ride home and for days afterward I feel uncomfortable, the interview pulls at me, brings up aversions, aversion to rejection, to being judged, to being little, to being visible. It brings up fear; fear that just one more rejection could tip the scales, fear of not knowing what I want, not knowing the answers. Feeling fear of the future, feeling anger about the past. The interview gives me a lot to put in my compost pile. I have faith some beautiful flowers will grow out of it. Rolling on the river.


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